How to Deal With Anger

You’ve asked three times for the dishes to be done. You come home, and there they are, exactly where they were this morning. Before you’ve even put your bag down, you can feel it: heat rising in your chest, your jaw tightening, words lining up that you know you’ll regret.

Anger has a bad reputation. Many of us grew up being told it was wrong, ugly or dangerous, especially girls and women. Others grew up in homes where anger was loud and frightening, and decided never to be like that. Either way, a lot of people end up with an awkward relationship with one of the most natural feelings there is.

This guide is about getting on better terms with anger: what it’s for, why it sometimes takes over, and how to use it without letting it use you.

Anger is not the problem

Anger is a signal. It tells you that something you care about has been blocked, threatened or treated unfairly. It gives you energy and focus to do something about it. Without anger, people would struggle to set limits, stand up for others or push for change.

The problem is never the feeling itself. It’s what we do with it. Anger becomes harmful when it’s too strong for the situation, when it lasts too long, or when it comes out as shouting, cruelty or violence. It also does harm when it’s pushed down so far that it turns into bitterness, tension or illness.

So dealing with anger isn’t about getting rid of it. It’s about hearing what it’s telling you, and then choosing how to respond.

What anger is often covering

Anger is often called a secondary emotion, because it frequently sits on top of something softer. When someone is late to pick you up, the anger may be covering worry. When your partner forgets something important, it may be covering hurt. When a colleague takes credit for your work, it may be covering a fear of not being valued.

Asking “what’s underneath this?” is one of the most useful habits you can build. The answer often points to what you actually need, which isn’t always the same as what the anger wants to do.

Why anger boils over

You’re running on empty

Tiredness, hunger, pain and stress all lower the threshold for anger. In a 2023 study by Zlatan Krizan and colleagues, people whose sleep was cut back for two nights reported more anger in response to irritating noises than when they slept normally. If you snap more easily than usual, the first place to look is your reserves.

Small things are piling up

Often the thing you explode about isn’t the real cause. It’s the last straw on a pile of small frustrations that never got dealt with. We look at this in Irritability: Why Little Things Annoy You So Much.

You keep replaying it

Rumination fuels anger. Going over what someone did, imagining what you should have said, rehearsing the argument: all of it keeps the body in a state of anger long after the event. Research by Thomas Denson and others has found that angry rumination increases aggression.

The story in your head

How you interpret a situation shapes how angry you feel. “He did that on purpose to annoy me” produces much more anger than “he’s distracted and forgot”. We don’t always have the full picture, and the angriest story isn’t always the true one.

Old patterns

If you grew up around explosive anger, you may have learned that’s what anger looks like. If you grew up where anger wasn’t allowed, you may hold it in until it bursts. Why Do I Get Angry So Easily? looks at these and other reasons for a short fuse.

How to calm down in the moment

Catch it early

Anger rarely goes from zero to rage in one step. There are early signs: a tight jaw, a hot face, clenched fists, a raised voice, a sudden urge to interrupt. The earlier you notice them, the more choice you have.

Pause before you speak

When anger is high, the part of the brain that plans and weighs consequences works less well. Almost nothing needs to be said in the first thirty seconds. Saying “I need a minute” and stepping away is not losing. It’s choosing not to say something you’ll have to apologize for.

Bring your body down

Slow breathing with a long out-breath, unclenching your hands and dropping your shoulders all help the body shift out of alarm. A 2024 review of over 150 studies, led by Sophie Kjærvik and Brad Bushman at Ohio State University, found that activities that calm the body, such as slow breathing, meditation and relaxation, reduced anger. Activities that pump the body up, like hitting things or intense exercise, generally did not.

Don’t trust the first story

Ask yourself: is there another way to see this? What else might be going on for them? You don’t have to excuse anything. You’re just checking whether the angriest interpretation is the only one.

How to express anger without causing harm

Once you’re calmer, anger still deserves to be heard. Holding it in isn’t the same as dealing with it, and many people who never express anger end up resentful. A few principles help:

• Be specific. Talk about one particular thing that happened, not everything that has ever gone wrong.
• Describe, don’t attack. “I felt dismissed when you checked your phone while I was talking” lands differently from “you never listen to me”.
• Say what you need. Anger points at something you want to change. Name it: “I need us to agree on who does the dishes.”
• Choose your moment. Not when either of you is exhausted, hungry, in a rush or in front of others.
• Listen too. The other person may see it differently. Understanding them doesn’t mean giving in.

Many people believe the healthiest thing is to “let it all out”. Research suggests it’s more complicated than that, as we explain in Is Venting Healthy?

When anger turns into resentment

Some anger doesn’t fade. It settles in and becomes resentment: a long, slow grudge that you carry for months or years. Resentment can feel like loyalty to yourself, a way of not letting someone off the hook. But it often costs the person holding it more than the person it’s aimed at. How to Let Go of Resentment looks at how to put it down.

When to get help

Please talk to a doctor or a therapist if your anger frightens you or the people around you, if it has led to violence or broken relationships, if it comes out in ways you can’t control, or if it sits alongside low mood, heavy drinking or other problems. Anger management programs and cognitive behavioral therapy have good evidence behind them. If anyone is in danger, contact emergency services.

A small practice

For one week, keep an anger log on your phone. Each time you feel irritated or angry, note three things: what happened, how strong the anger was from 0 to 10, and what was underneath it, such as hurt, worry, tiredness or unfairness. At the end of the week, look for patterns in times, people and triggers. Most people find their anger is far more predictable than it felt.

For more on how emotions work, see How to Understand Your Emotions.