How to Deal With Loneliness

You might be surrounded by people at work all day and still feel completely alone. You might have a partner, children and a phone full of contacts and still feel that nobody really knows you. Or you might live by yourself in a new city, and the silence of the evening presses in from all sides.

Loneliness is one of the most common painful feelings there is, and one of the least talked about. People hide it because they feel it says something bad about them. It doesn’t. It says something about what humans need.

What loneliness is

Loneliness isn’t the same as being alone. Plenty of people enjoy solitude and feel perfectly connected. Loneliness is the feeling that the connection you have isn’t the connection you need. It’s the gap between the two.

Researchers sometimes describe three kinds:

• Intimate loneliness: missing a close confidant or partner, someone who knows you deeply.
• Relational loneliness: missing friends and family, people to share everyday life with.
• Collective loneliness: missing a sense of belonging to a group, community or something bigger than yourself.

You can have plenty of one and very little of another. Someone in a loving marriage can still feel lonely if they have no friends of their own. Someone with lots of friends can still feel lonely if nobody really knows them.

Why loneliness hurts so much

The neuroscientist John Cacioppo, who spent much of his career studying loneliness, argued that it evolved as a signal, like hunger or thirst. For our ancestors, being cut off from the group was dangerous. Loneliness is the pain that pushes us to reconnect.

But Cacioppo also found something less helpful. Loneliness makes the brain more alert to social threat. Lonely people tend to notice rejection more, expect it more and remember it more. That’s understandable, but it can create a loop: you feel lonely, you become more wary of people, you hold back, and you end up lonelier.

Loneliness and health

Loneliness isn’t only painful. It affects health. A widely cited 2010 analysis of 148 studies by Julianne Holt-Lunstad and colleagues found that people with stronger social relationships had about a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival over the study periods than those with weaker ones. In 2023, the United States Surgeon General issued an advisory describing loneliness and isolation as a public health concern, linked to higher risks of heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety and dementia.

This isn’t meant to frighten anyone. It’s a reminder that connection isn’t a luxury. It’s as basic to well-being as sleep and food.

Why people become lonely

• Life changes: moving, starting a new job, retiring, becoming a parent, divorce, bereavement or children leaving home.
• Health problems: illness, disability or caring for someone can make it hard to get out.
• Time and busyness: many people simply drift from friends because life gets full.
• Shyness and social anxiety: fear of judgment can make reaching out feel risky.
• Not feeling known: surface-level contact without real sharing can leave people lonely even in company.
• Low mood: depression makes people withdraw, which deepens loneliness.

How to deal with loneliness

1. Name it without shame

The first step is simply admitting it, at least to yourself: “I feel lonely.” It’s not a confession of failure. It’s information about a need.

2. Reach out to one person

You don’t need to rebuild your whole social life at once. Think of one person you’d like to hear from, and contact them. Research by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to, even with a short message. The person you’re thinking of is probably happier to hear from you than you expect.

3. Say yes more often

When you’re lonely, it’s tempting to turn invitations down because you’re tired or unsure. Try saying yes to low-pressure ones for a while: a coffee, a walk, a neighbor’s barbecue. You can always leave early.

4. Join something built around an activity

Friendships often grow out of repeated contact around a shared interest: a choir, a walking group, a class, a book club, a sports team, a religious community. The activity takes the pressure off conversation, and seeing the same faces each week lets familiarity turn into friendship. Research by Jeffrey Hall suggests that it takes many hours spent together for an acquaintance to become a close friend, so consistency matters more than intensity.

5. Help others

Volunteering connects you to people and to a sense of purpose at the same time. Helping someone else also shifts attention away from your own loneliness, which can be a relief.

6. Deepen what you already have

Sometimes the answer isn’t more people, but more honesty with the ones you have. Share something real with a friend, ask a deeper question, suggest spending time together one to one. Being known is what eases loneliness most.

7. Notice lonely thinking

Because loneliness makes the brain more alert to rejection, it often brings thoughts like “nobody wants to see me” or “they only invited me to be polite”. A 2011 review of loneliness interventions by Christopher Masi and colleagues found that approaches targeting these kinds of thoughts were among the most effective. When you notice one, ask: what’s the evidence? What else might be true?

8. Be careful with screens

Social media can help people stay in touch, but scrolling through other people’s lives can also make loneliness worse. Use it to arrange real contact, not to replace it. A phone call or a video chat usually does more than likes and comments.

9. Be kind to yourself in the meantime

Building connection takes time. While you’re working on it, look after yourself: keep routines, get outside, spend time in places with people around, like cafés, libraries and parks. Even small moments of contact, like chatting to a shopkeeper, have been shown to lift mood.

When to get help

If loneliness has lasted a long time, comes with low mood, hopelessness or anxiety, or if you feel you have no one at all, please talk to a doctor or a therapist. In many places there are also befriending services and support lines for people who feel isolated. If you ever feel you can’t go on, contact a crisis line straight away. In the United States you can call or text 988.

A small practice

Write down the names of three people you’ve lost touch with but would like to hear from. This week, send each of them a short, specific message: “I was thinking of the walk we did by the river, how are you?” Don’t expect anything back. Just notice how it feels to reach out.

For more on sadness and how to cope, see How to Deal With Sadness.