Jealousy vs Envy: What’s the Difference?

Your friend looks at the photos of your vacation and sighs: “I’m so jealous.” She isn’t worried you’ll steal her partner. She just wishes she had been on vacation too.

Meanwhile, another friend watches her boyfriend chatting with his ex at a party and feels her stomach knot. She isn’t wishing she had something the ex has. She’s afraid of losing what she already has.

In everyday speech, both of these are called jealousy. But they’re actually two different emotions, and the difference is more than a matter of words.

The short answer

• Jealousy is the fear of losing something you have to someone else.
• Envy is wanting something someone else has.

The psychologists W. Gerrod Parrott and Richard Smith, who studied the two feelings in the early 1990s, described the difference in terms of how many people are involved. Jealousy is a triangle: you, someone you care about and a rival who might take them away. Envy is a line between two people: you and the person who has what you want.

How jealousy feels

Jealousy is mainly about threat. It tends to come with:

• fear of loss or abandonment
• suspicion and watchfulness
• anxiety and insecurity
• anger, at the rival, at the person you care about, or both
• sadness or hurt
• a strong urge to check, question or hold on

It most often shows up in romantic relationships, but it can also appear in friendships (“she’s spending all her time with her new friend”), families (“Mom always took his side”) and at work (“the boss seems to prefer her”).

How envy feels

Envy is mainly about lack. It tends to come with:

• longing for what someone else has
• a sense of inferiority or not being enough
• sometimes resentment toward the person, or a feeling that it’s unfair
• sometimes a quiet pleasure if they stumble, which has its own name, schadenfreude
• sometimes motivation to work harder

People envy all kinds of things: money, looks, talent, relationships, children, homes, success, freedom, confidence. Envy is often strongest toward people who are similar to us, like friends, siblings and colleagues, because their success feels like a direct comparison.

Why we mix them up

In English, jealous has long been used in both senses, and envious sounds a little more formal or even harsh. “I’m so jealous of your new kitchen” sounds friendly. “I’m so envious of your new kitchen” can sound a little resentful. So people tend to reach for jealous as the softer word.

Parrott and Smith found that when people described past experiences, they used jealous for both feelings, but rarely used envious to describe jealousy. Envy, in other words, is the word we avoid.

The two feelings can also arrive together. If your partner spends time with someone who is younger, more successful or more attractive than you, you may feel jealous about the relationship and envious of the person at the same time.

Two kinds of envy

Researchers Niels van de Ven, Marcel Zeelenberg and Rik Pieters have studied two different forms of envy:

• Benign envy focuses on what the other person has, and makes you want to improve yourself to get it. It’s uncomfortable but can be motivating. In their studies, people feeling benign envy worked harder and were more inclined to learn from the person they envied.
• Malicious envy focuses on the other person, and makes you want to bring them down. It’s linked with resentment, hostility and schadenfreude.

Which one you feel seems to depend partly on whether you think the other person deserves what they have, and whether you believe you could get it too.

Why knowing the difference helps

The two feelings point to different needs, so they call for different responses.

If it’s jealousy

The need is usually security and trust. Helpful questions are: am I actually at risk of losing this relationship, or am I afraid of it? What would help me feel more secure? Is there something I need to talk about with this person? The answers might lead to an honest conversation, to working on your own insecurity, or, sometimes, to recognizing a real problem in the relationship. How to Stop Being Jealous goes into this.

If it’s envy

The need is usually something you want for yourself. Helpful questions are: what exactly do I want here? Is it something I could work toward? Or something I need to let go of? The answers might lead to a new goal, a change of direction or making peace with something you can’t have. How to Deal With Envy explains how.

Is it wrong to feel either?

No. Both are normal human emotions, and almost everyone feels them. They become a problem only when they’re constant, very intense or lead to harmful behavior: controlling a partner, cutting down a friend, or spending so much time comparing that you can’t enjoy your own life.

Feeling jealous or envious doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who cares about something. The question is what you do next.

A small practice

The next time you catch yourself saying “I’m so jealous”, pause and ask: is this jealousy or envy? Am I afraid of losing something, or do I want something someone else has? If it’s envy, finish the sentence honestly: “What I actually want is…” You may find the answer is smaller, clearer and more achievable than you expected.

For more on these feelings, see How to Deal With Jealousy.