How to Be Happy

Ask people what they want most in life and many will say, simply, to be happy. Ask them what that means and the answers get vaguer. Not worrying all the time. Feeling good more often than bad. Waking up looking forward to the day. A sense that it all adds up to something.

Happiness can sound like a soft, fuzzy topic, but it’s one of the most studied subjects in modern psychology. And the findings are surprisingly practical. They suggest that happiness is less about big events or lucky circumstances than most people think, and more about how we live day to day.

What happiness actually is

Researchers usually break happiness into a few parts:

• Positive feelings: joy, calm, interest, gratitude, contentment, amusement.
• Life satisfaction: a judgment that your life, overall, is going well.
• Meaning: a sense that what you do matters and connects to something beyond yourself.

These parts don’t always move together. A parent of a newborn may feel exhausted and stressed most days, yet find life deeply meaningful. Someone on a long vacation may feel lots of pleasure but little purpose. A happy life usually has some of all three.

Happiness also doesn’t mean feeling good all the time. Even the happiest people have sad, angry and anxious days. What tends to set them apart is that difficult feelings pass more easily, and positive feelings show up often.

Why happiness is harder than it looks

We adapt

One of the most robust findings in happiness research is hedonic adaptation: people get used to good things. A pay rise, a new house or a new car brings a burst of pleasure, then becomes normal. It’s one reason achievements often feel less satisfying than expected.

We misjudge what will make us happy

The psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson have shown that people are poor at predicting how they’ll feel in the future. We overestimate how happy good events will make us and how unhappy bad ones will, and for how long. That leads people to chase things that don’t deliver.

Chasing happiness can backfire

In a 2011 study, Iris Mauss and colleagues found that people who placed a very high value on being happy were, in some situations, less happy and more disappointed, especially when things were going well. Expecting to feel wonderful sets a bar that ordinary life can’t reach. We look at this in Why Am I Not Happy When Life Is Good?

The mind wanders

In a well-known study, Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert used a phone app to ask thousands of people, at random moments, what they were doing, what they were thinking about and how they felt. People’s minds were wandering nearly half the time, and they were less happy when their minds wandered than when they were focused on what they were doing, even when the task was dull.

What makes people happier

Relationships

If there’s one consistent finding, it’s this. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed people since 1938, has found that the quality of people’s relationships is one of the strongest predictors of their health and happiness in later life. Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, studying very happy people, found that strong social relationships were the one thing all of them had in common.

Movement, sleep and daylight

Regular physical activity is linked with better mood and lower risk of depression. Sleep affects how you feel about almost everything. Time outdoors, especially in nature, tends to lift mood and lower stress.

Gratitude

Noticing and appreciating what’s good in your life is one of the best-researched ways to increase well-being. The Benefits of Gratitude and How to Practice It explains what the research shows and how to make it a habit.

Savoring

Happiness isn’t only about having good experiences, but about noticing them. People who take time to savor small pleasures, a meal, a view, a conversation, report more joy. See How to Enjoy Life More.

Helping others

In a 2008 study by Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton, people given money to spend on others reported feeling happier at the end of the day than people told to spend the same money on themselves. Kindness and generosity tend to benefit the giver as well as the receiver. We look at this in Why Is Kindness Important?

Calm

Joy is the most noticeable positive feeling, but calm may be the most underrated. Being able to settle your body and mind makes room for everything else. How to Calm Down offers practical ways to get there.

Laughter and play

Shared laughter connects people and eases stress. Adults often lose the habit of play, but it’s worth getting back. Why Is Laughter Good for You? explains why.

Meaning and purpose

People who feel their lives have purpose, through work, family, faith, creativity or service, tend to be more satisfied with life, even when times are hard.

What doesn’t help as much as people think

• More money, beyond a point. Money matters a lot when it lifts people out of hardship and worry. Above that, its effect on day-to-day happiness is smaller than most people expect.
• More stuff. Research by Leaf Van Boven and Thomas Gilovich suggests that spending on experiences tends to bring more lasting happiness than spending on things.
• Forcing positivity. Pretending to be happy, or pushing away difficult feelings, tends to backfire. Accepting the full range of emotions is linked to better well-being over time.

Happiness and difficult emotions

Being happy doesn’t mean getting rid of sadness, anger or fear. Those feelings are part of a full life, and trying to banish them usually makes things worse. A happy life is one where all feelings have room, and where joy, calm and connection come back regularly. The other guides on this site, including How to Understand Your Emotions, are about making peace with the harder feelings so the good ones have more space.

When to get help

If you can’t remember the last time you felt happy, if nothing brings you pleasure anymore, or if low mood lasts most days for two weeks or more, please talk to a doctor. These can be signs of depression, which is common and treatable.

A small practice

Each evening this week, write down three good things that happened that day, however small, and next to each one, why it happened. Martin Seligman and colleagues tested this exercise in a 2005 study and found it increased happiness and reduced depressive symptoms for up to six months in people who kept it up. It takes five minutes, and it trains your attention to notice what’s going right.